Name
Atta – Belgium
Question
What is culture and to what extent can it affect raising children?
Answer
Brother Atta: Assalamu ‘Alaikum,
A culture is made up of the existing traditions, values, norms, language, history, beliefs and life-style of a people.
It has a major impact on any one living in it including children. Obviously, we are all affected by the environment we live in, and culture provides that environment.
Parents raise their children based on this life style, beliefs and traditions, etc.
Hope it helps.
Name
Mahmoud –
Question
It is very common nowadays to find people doing things cultural while thinking they are religious and vice versa. Why do people confuse between culture and religion?
Answer
Brother Mahmoud: Assalamu Alaikum,
The simple answer to your question is: A lack of Islamic Education. There was a time when in Muslim cultures the knowledge of the Faith was taught to the children right from the beginning and people lived by their Faith. As we moved away from teaching our children the knowledge of the Deen, we gradually moved away from the practice of our Deen. Consequently, after a few generations, the Muslim cultures became devoid of Islamic values and people began to just live by the cultrual traditions. Yet, since they considered themselves Muslims, they began to confuse their cultural traditions with religion.
Does that make sense?
Wassalaam.
Name
safina – United Kingdom
housewife
Question
Dear scholar. Assalamu ‘alaikum I find it quite hard sometimes with raising my children and practicing Islam but Alhamdulillah with Allah’s gift it seems everyday I’m overcoming this time rift. I have a busy schedule in my home life that when I pray all my stress is relieved with Allah’s will. My faith is stronger by the day. May Allah bless you.
Answer
Sister Safina: Wa alaikum assalaamu warahmatullah,
Alamdu-lillah, that you are living by and raising your children according to the Islamic code of life.
Raising children has got to be the hardest jobs in the world. Mothers are to be commended for doing this job, often without any pay or recognition, and only the mothers can do it as well due to the special blessings of Allah SWT upon mothers – the love and kindness Allah SWT has put in their hearts for their children.
It is precisely why Allah SWT has not placed the burden of earning a living, because, as it is, with raising their children, they have the hardest job of them all.
May Allah bless your efforts of practicing Islam and raising your children accordingly.
I pray for you and your family.
Wassalaam.
Name
Fouad –
Question
You have picked the topic I would love to ask about. There is huge difference between culture and faith and people don’t realize this quite often. When it comes to raising kids, especially in North America, the issue of culture can affect parent negatively. Can you please share some of the negative consequences that can result from this; point form would be useful.
Answer
Brother Fouad: Assalamu Alaikum,
Let’s there may be a major difference between culture and faith, if people in any culture becomes ignorant of their faith.
Raising children or even conducting oneself as an adult in a society is heavily influenced by the cultural norms, traditions, values, beliefs, etc., be they North American or Egyptian, or whatever.
The major negative consequence of a lack of knowledge in faith and raising the children according to the cultural norms purely, is further removing our generations away from the understanding and practice of faith.
To give you an example, let us begin with the role of a mother: The faith dictates a mother’s major role to be raising her children, looking after the household needs of her family. The culture dictates, especially North American culture, a woman’s role to be very similar to the man’s, i.e., go out and work and associate themselves with all the activities of the culture, leaving the children to daycares and babysitters. The result: Attachment Disorders in children, Lack of consideration, love and care for others, selfishness, materialism, etc. etc.
And there are many such examples, which we don’t have time to go into right now.
But, hope this helps.
Wassalaam
Name
Aisha – United Kingdom
Question
My mothers and I always fight over issues of dress. She insists that I always dress in the Pakistani style which I always hate. I try to resolve differences saying as long as I am covering what should be covered according to Islam I am Ok, but my mom always takes it personally. How can I solve this problem in a way that does not affect my relationship with my mom?
Answer
Sister Aisha: Assalamu ‘Alaikum,
The problem you have raised is a very common issue between the parents and the teens and young adults.
Major relationship problems develop as a result of not resolving this issue. Not only parents wrongfully insist that their children wear their cultural dresses, but they even insists that their daughters-in-law follow the suit regardless of their cultures and traditions.
Anyway, the resolution to your problem lies in the following principles:
1. Respect of Parents: Realize that whatever your mom is asking you to do, is out of her concerns for you, at least in her mind. This should always be respected.
2. Therefore, no arguments and fights back and forth about such issues.
3. As a family, you should sit down to jointly research what the Islamic code of dress for men and women is. Confirm your understanding with scholars in your area, and then together make a decision to live by the code of Allah SWT.
I am sure if these principles are followed, this would no longer be a problem.
Wish you all the best in these efforts.
Wassalaam
Name
Manal –
Question
My kids, the same way other kids in these western societies, tend to reason and question everything. Even when I am talking religiously they think I am talking culturally. Last night we almost had a fight in the issue of boys wearing necklaces and bracelets. I told them, as it says there in many fatwas on Islamonline, that boys are not allowed to wear necklaces or bracelets because such ornaments are designed for women. The straight answer that they always have, “it is silver, and men are allowed to wear silver.” And they ask for the straight daleel for the prohibition. When you tell them that evidence does not have to be specifically mentioned in the Qur’an, they come back to you saying “then it is cultural…..” Do I find it difficult to deal with my kids or is it a general issue?
Answer
Sister Manal: Assalamu Alaikum,
Subhanallah, this problem is also so common that I deal with this almost in all my family counselling work. It results from a heavy influence of the Western culture and a severe lack of Islamic knowledge. Unfortunately, some or our modern self made scholars encourage this attitude as well.
Someone asked me once to show her where it was written in the Qur’an or Hadith that she cannot wear jeans and tops.
Western education, with its emphasis on scientific proofs, significantly contributes to this attitude as well.
So, what is the solution? Proper Islamic Education – not only at home, but at a larger societal scale, and by properly qualified scholars, not the modern self made, six months diploma holders in religion.
Hope I made my point. I pray for strength and courage for you.
Wassalaam.
Name
Mrs. Khan –
Question
What do you say to parents that think yelling and shouting is the key to control their children? Whem should we yell and when should we not? What are the bad consequences of yelling?
Answer
Dear Mrs. Khan: Assalamu Alaikum,
You can yell and scream at them to tell them what they are doing does not work. And if they don’t stop their yelling and shouting at kids, point out to them how you failed to stop them from their behavior by yelling at them.
Now, on a serious note: Yelling or shouting is never appropriate, never. It only serves to scare the child and soon loses even that impact, making the parents yell louder and louder and more frequently. Which then gets annoying and frustrating, leading the parents to become violent.
Kids soon learn to not only ignore their parents yelling and screaming, but they lose all respect for them. Communication and any tender feelings between the parents and the children are gone.
Then, it progresses further into marital conflicts – husband and wife blaming each other for the kids not listening, etc.
So you see, it seldom works. And, obviously it cannot work, because it goes against human nature and the teachings of our faith.
None of us like to be controlled thus by others; none of us like to lose. We will continue to fight back, argue and/or ignore in order to maintain our own controls and not always lose. This is why we have been taught to “Deal with others with wisdom” and not the shear power of yelling and shouting.
Hope I made the point.
Wassalaam.
Name
umm Moukhtar – Germany
Question
How can I convince my daughter that the mother’s main role is to take care of children and her husband and if her work affects her responsibilities then she might think of leaving her job. She takes this as a great offense. She keeps saying, “my children are my husband’s children too, and if we have cooperation these types of problems would not arise?
Answer
Sister Umm Moukhtar: Assalamu Alaikum,
If your daughter is an adult, western educated and married, it would now be difficult for you to convince her of that. When we send our children from an early age to the learning institute based on different cultural values than ours, they will adopt the values of that culture. And, since religious education was ignored at an early age, it is difficult to convince them of the beauty of the values of their own faith.
My suggestion: Provide her with some good books to read on the life of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and the lives of his wives (May Allah be pleased with all of them). And secondly, involve her in the company of some practicing Muslim sisters in your area. And, last but not least, encourage her to attend any religious classes that may be offered in the Masaajid in your area.
Hope this helps.
Wassalaam.
Name
Mohammed – South Africa
aNALYIST
Question
Salaam. My child is 10 years already and still does not want to pray Salah. I have invited him in peace and taught him everything but he still does not want to pray his Salah. Should I hit him?
Answer
Wa alaikum salaam, Brother Mohammed:
Definitely not. Please don’t hit him. It will only make him hate you, hate the Salah and his religion.
You see, when the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) admonished us to raise our children Islamically, he did not begin with hitting. Up until the age of 10, tarbiyah is provided through proper role modelling, love, and care. If this part is done with sincerity and love, kids generally will not get to the point where your child is at now. And, if after age 10, the child rebels for some reason, disciplinary measure may be taken including physical punishment, but the objective should not be to hurt, but to discipline. Therefore, even physical punishment, its methods and limits, have all been defined and explained.
Often parents hit their children out of their anger and frustration, which then does not serve the purpose of tarbiyah.
So, the best thing to do is to use proper role modelling, encouraging and disciplining in healthy ways. For examples, in some families, meals are provided only after prayers. In some families, entertainment opportunities are provided only after prayers and other necessary requirements have been met, etc.
Hope this helps.
Wassalaam.
Name
Richard – United Kingdom
Student
Question
I’m a Christian and want to eagerly become a Muslim. I’ve been thinking of this for a long time and now made up my mind. Do I have to do this in the mosque? I’m in London & new here…
Answer
Dear Richard: Peace Be with you.
First, let me congratulate you. It is a special blessing of Allah Almighty to have opened your heart to the final truth; and you received this blessing for you desired it and sought after it. So, accept my hearty congratulations for this blessing.
Now, for your question: No, it is not necessary for you to go to a mosque to become a Muslim. You can go to some Muslim friends and in the company of some witnesses, be converted to Islam.
However, the benefit of going to a mosque is that you formally become part of the Muslim community, and hopefully acquire a new support system larger than a few friends.
Hope I answered your question. I pray for your physical and spiritual well being.
Peace Be with you.
Name
A –
Question
Assalamu ‘alikum. We live in West but my husband believes only mother can teach her children both faith and culture. What do you think? In here my children go to Islamic school where they learn more Islamic faith and some Islamic culture. My children are losing their original culture because we want them to learn Arabic more than any other language. How could we teach 7-years old three different languages? Thanks.
Answer
Wa’Alaikum assalamu warhmatullah, A
The first school of a child indeed is his/her mothers lap. The initial education and tarbiyah of a child always comes from his/her mother. But, now unfortunately, the mothers themselves are not educated in Islam or in raising and providing proper tarbiyah to their children. So, there is often not much choice but to send the children to outside schools, etc. And, given the circumstances, it is ok. At least, the child is having a learning opportunity.
Learning the language of faith, i.e., Arabic, is important. Learning the language of parents’ culture is desirable but not necessary if the parents themselves have left their homeland and culture and chances are that they or the children would never go back to their home culture.
Often kids pick up the language of their parents culture at home without being taught. They may not master it, but they become able to understand it well, and communicate in it to some extent.
Languages that are taught but not used at home or somewhere regularly, don’t generally stay. We forget them. So, decide how important it is for your child to learn which of these three languages at age 7 and which ones would stay with him and which ones he would lose for not having an opportunity to use them.
Hope it helps.
Name
Umm Abdallah – United States
Question
As Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah. May Allah reward you all for your time and efforts.
What an important topic, masha’Allah!
This topic is of particular interest to me due to the fact that I am half Arab, raised in the U.S., and my husband was raised in an Arab country with a strong tribal mentality within his family. As you can guess, my perception of Islam has a lot less cultural baggage than his, and in fact, adhering to cultural norms is more important to him than to follow the deen.
This affects the upbringing of children, for example, when it comes time to marrying our daughters, or how my son will interact with this wife and children. I have tried to discuss these issues with my husband, stressing to him that being raised here in the states requires different parenting tactics, and that the culture of the place that he was raised is not always applicable here, but to no avail. What to do? Do you have any advice on how to discuss these important matters without the conversation turning into an argument? How might I discuss these issues with my children?
Thank you and may Allah reward you the best rewarding.
Answer
Wa ‘alaikum salaam, Sister Umm Abdullah:
This problem is also very common – parents attempting to raise their children and expecting them to behave in the way they did when they were children 50 years ago in their home country. And, soon they find out that it does not work. It cannot work because your kids are being raised under a completely different set of values and belief systems.
The answer to this is for parents to look around and notice the problems our youth and young adults are facing due to these conflicts at home. And, secondly, to educate ourselves in the Islamic code and principles of life so that we can learn what is important and what is not, what must we insist upon from our children, and we must not.
Hope this helps.
Wassalaam.
Name
Ghada –
Question
I would like to first thank Islamonline for choosing this important topic that everybody is need of it. My question is about Arabic language. I don’t think learning Arabic is a cultural issue; it is a very religious principles. What makes me sad is I know some people in my community, even some sheikhs wallahi, who insist that their children speak to them in their language (Lebanese, Egyptian, etc.) while they don’t care if their children understand the Qur’an. What is your advice to those families?
Answer
Sister Ghada:
I agree with you. Learning Arabic language is not a cultural issue. All Muslims should attempt to learn Arabic.
One word of caution though: The largest number of Muslims around the world are non Arabs, and due to the gradual diminishing of Islamic education and values and the dominance of materialistically oriented western values and education, most of the Muslims don’t know Arabic. But, they should not be looked down upon just because of that. I have seen this happen too often.
Was Salaam.
Name
zoya –
Question
Asalamu alikum, i wanted to know if prophet Muhammed(P.B.U.H) ever asked a syed to not marry a pathan? as many people have said that to me and i cannot imagine prophet Muhammed (P.B.U.H) to ever discriminate between any of them(pathan,syed,sheik etc.) and my father insists on marrying me only to a syed (as i am a syed) whereas i would like him to prefer an islamically active person, but he says that prophet Muhammed (P.B.U.H) asked us to look for matches within us. Can you please guide me as these things are really confusing me.
Answer
Sister Zoya: Wa alaikum salaam,
Unfortunately, your problem is also a very common problem. Not only with Sayyads but with all different sub communities in Muslim countries and cultures.
The question first to ask is what or who is a Sayyad?
Second, Did all the Sahabah and Sahabiyaat (may Allah be pleased with them), and some of them were from the family of the Prophet (saw), married only others members of their own family?
As far as I know, there is no such requirement in Islam, but the requirement is to marry someone who is your ‘kufu’, which means who shares similar culture and lifestyles as you so that there are no major adjustments to be made by the husband and the wife to begin their new life. Perhaps the ulama’ here can shed more light on this issue.
Largely, these types of limitation that we put on ourselves are purely cultural, and we use religion to justify them.
The Prophet (saw) hadith about what criteria to use in chosing a spouse is very clear – the one who is most God-fearing and pious.
Hope this helps.
Was Salaam.
Name
Editor –
Answer
Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Mohammed Sadiq for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. If you feel your question is very important, feel free to contact us at EngLivedialogue@islamonline.net and we will try our best to answer your question. We request our readers to join us in upcoming sessions.
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