| Name |
kareem uk -
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| Profession | |
| Question | My wife is a lovely
woman who has given me four children and we have been very close.
Until recently when her younger sister came to leave with us she has
changed and now hid everything she does from me but shearing everything
with her sister. I feel neglected in the house and told her but she
see nothing wrong in that. I’m too jealous please advise. |
| Answer | Dear brother Kareem, Why is your wife's younger sister living with you? Is this a long term arrangement or a short term? If it is just a short term issue, don't worry too much, the problem would eventually go away. If it is a long term arrangement, you may want to discuss with your wife your feelings of being left out and your frustrations with the secrecies, and how it is negatively affecting the relationship between the two of you. Make sure to control your emotions and to stay focused on the issue without finger-pointing, blaming, and being sarcastic. Husband and wives, by the way, become very jealous for each other's attention, and often find it difficult when the spouse shares the attention with a third person, sometimes even with children. |
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| Name |
Hatim -
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| Profession | |
| Question | What is the best way to deal with a stubborn wife? |
| Answer | Br. Hatim: Often, when someone calls another person stubborn, he means that the other person would not listen and agree with him. This is often the case between husbands and wives. True stubbornness is when someone knowingly, purposefully, with full awareness of him/her being wrong, chooses to stick with his opinion. In which case, the best solution is to state your opinion, and let it be. The more you would argue to convince the other person, the worst it would get. Hope this helps. |
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| Name |
Rami - United Kingdom
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| Profession | |
| Question | Assalamu`alykum Dr. Sadiq, my problem with my wife is that she does not listen to me at all. Whenever we talk about something, it is either black and white for her. Whenever I do something she does not like, she does not even ask why and how, she right away jumps to conclusion and most likely the answer is black. I tried many times to tell her that she should wait and ask why I am doing so and so, but she always gets upset and stops talking. I love my wife and she does love me, but this part does spoil sometimes love. Any suggestions? |
| Answer | Dear Rami: Please do read my answer to the previous question. Communication skills and conflict resolution skills are essential in maintaining a good marital relationship. Unfortunately, we are not born with these skills; they must be learned. But, here are some tips for effective communication. 1. Don't rush to present your side. 2. Listen, listen, listen - without interrupting. 3. Acknowledge the message and the feelings behind the message by restating in your words what you heard and observed. 4. Empathize with the feelings, for example, "You are really upset." or angry or whatever. 5. Don't begin to talk to state your side until your wife has exhausted herself. 6. When it is your turn, state the facts, control your emotions, and be focused on the issue rather than proving yourself right or her wrong. 7. If you get interrupted, say, "May I finish, please”? 8. If it is a conflict, work together on finding a solution. etc. If you practice good communication skills, she would pick them up from you as well and Insha-Allah, things would get better. |
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| Name |
sabeel -
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| Profession | |
| Question | As-Slamu`Alaykum, I recently got engaged. The problem is that we always tend to end up with disagreements over small issues. Mostly it has to do with Islamic rulings. I try to talk about something different but it ends in argument. I don't know what to do? Is it ok to have second thoughts about this person now? Or should I try to work this out somehow? I'm very confused even after doing istikharah. Your opinion would mean a lot to me. JazakAllah khair for you time. |
| Answer | Wa `Alaykum As-Salamu warahmatullah, Nabil: Do read my comments on the previous two questions. In any discussion, the husband and wife do not have to agree with each other. We are all different - we come from different backgrounds, family environments, values, lifestyles, levels of education and experience, etc. All of these influence the way a person thinks and behaves. Secondly, about religious matters, if there are disagreements, the best thing to do is to consult with authentic ’ulama (scholars) together to find out the correct ruling, rather than pushing for what each of you think is right. The more educated the spouses are, the more there would be arguments about what is right and wrong. This is because with education, people learn to think for themselves and think critically, and do not accept other opinions blindly. If you are of the type that cannot deal with disagreements effectively, and if your fiancé is of the type that she has an opinion on most things and must discuss everything before accepting it, both of you may want to discuss your future together. Hope this helps. |
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| Name |
Sara -
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| Profession | |
| Question | As-Slamu`Alaykum, I find it difficult to forgive my husband for being a bit too friendly with other women, even when it is completely innocent. I will bring this up whenever we fight. He says that to him he is just being polite and in another case he said it is because the lady was making a spectacle of herself and he is just egging her on to see how far she would go. Also, it was also because we were at a gathering and I was paying too much attention to another lady friend and none to him. I do not like this kind of behavior as this is not what I expect of a husband. I used to be quite gregarious myself but toned myself down for his sake. Also we rarely see each other due to our careers, and this has made me distrust him even more. What can I do? Thank you in advance for your help. |
| Answer | Dear Sara, Wa `Alaykum As-Salamu warahmatullah. I think that you two rarely seeing each other due to your careers, may be one major reason for this type of behavior. Allah (SWT) created men and women and bound them in legitimate marital relationship so that they may enjoy peace, tranquility, and intimate closeness in each other's company to meet their emotional and intimate needs. Such close and intimate relationships also then prevent behaviors that you have described, and when they do occur they are easier to resolve. Secondly, acquiring the correct Islamic knowledge relevant to marital relationship and conduct between men and women who are non-mahram (strangers) to each other; and making a commitment to together practice it and hold each other accountable, would clear up most such behavior if two of you are sincere and practicing Muslims. Hope this helps. |
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| Name |
oum o. - Belgium
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| Profession | housewife |
| Question | What should I do, I am very happy with my husband but he calls me most of the time with ugly names and I don’t like it and he also talks bad about my parents and some times very bad things and when I say to him don’t do that then he says if you don’t like me to tell the truth go to them and take our son with you. Please help me and tell me what to do. |
| Answer | Dear sister, How is that he calls you ugly names, talks bad about your parents, and threatens you to pack up and leave, but you are very happy with him? There is something wrong with this picture. Islamically and from a common human decency, he has no right to treat you this way, so why and for how long have you been putting up with this behavior? Remember, the longer you accept a wrong and unjust behavior, the more it becomes stronger. Tell him frankly and respectfully that this behavior of his bothers you, upsets you, because it is unfair and unjust, and that if he is not willing to stop it, you would have to rethink your relationship with him. Now do you think you are strong enough to take a stand on this? If not, you need professional help first. |
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| Name |
Aisah - United States
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| Profession | |
| Question | I always tell my husband not to get mad in front of kids as this might affect their emotions and make them think bad about us, but he likes to do it all the time; he even says sometimes “no, let them hear and see that you have done wrong” though we fight over minor issue. I want to seek your advice in two things: 1. How can I make my husband talk without losing temper? 2. How can we resolve issues privately while he doesn’t care of letting kids know about our differences? |
| Answer | Dear sister Aishah: It seems that you and your husband do not have a mutually respectful relationship. If he wants you expose your wrong-doings to your children, he is very vindictive person. If he is short-tempered on top, he may be even dangerous. This must stop, or you are looking at your children treating you the same way as they grow old. If he has a temper problem, and if he has no respect for you, I am afraid you may not be able to stop him from losing his temper. He would need professional help. Try to discuss with him these issues calmly, although the chances are that he would simply blame you for his temper. If he is not willing to look at the issue with self-responsibility, think of a possible separation for a while. And pray to Allah (SWT) for the him and for the best of your family. I pray for your well-being also. |
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| Name |
Md. -
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| Profession | |
| Question | I am married for about 4 years. We have a kid. But my heart is totally broken for the unlawful behavior of my wife. I am a Muslim and want to live accordingly. But my wife is a problematic person, the least I can say about her. The problem with her that she easily falls in love with men. Immediately after my marriage she fell in love with a married person who is a close relative of mine. I had to bear severe family problems for that and I became sick. Everyone of my family noticed that. Last year I went to a village where she fell in love with a non sophisticated guy. The problem with her that she makes eye contact with guys whom she like. This is very disturbing as the person may get a wrong signal. I am trying to rectify her. But how long can I keep barrier to her movement outside. I may be required to go in a western country very shortly for several years and my wife should accompany me. But there she may create more problems and may hinder my professional life. I have thought about divorce, but I love my kid very much. I think it is her psychological problem as her grooming up was not proper. I am a very creative man in my profession, but now totally frustrated, disheartened. Give me some suggestion in the Islamic way please. |
| Answer | Dear Md. I am so sorry to hear your plight. If all what you say is correct, I am afraid she does need professional help. If she is not willing, you may legitimately think of leaving her, ensuring that your child is under your protection. Staying in this situation would ultimately lead to bigger and more dangerous consequences for you, her, and your child. May Allah guide you and her to do the right thing! |
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| Name |
oum o. - Belgium
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| Profession | housewife |
| Question | As-Slamu`Alaykum, I am pregnant for 4weaks or so my husband does not want me to tell my mother until it’ born and I know that if I do that my mother will argue with and I don’t like to be in a vute with anyone in my family and I don’t like to lie. What should I do? |
| Answer | What is his reason for asking you not to tell your mother about your pregnancy? If there is a legitimate reason, discuss it together. If not, just tell him that you cannot lie if your mother asked you; that you will not offer the information to your mother voluntarily, but if she asked, you would not lie. Hope this helps. |
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| Name |
A. El Haji - Netherlands
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| Profession | |
| Question | As-Slamu`Alaykum, How can I explain to my wife that she's ordered to obey my commands? I always tell her that Islam works from a logical sense but the 'obeying' of one’s husband doesn't make sense to her. How can I tell her that she has to listen to me? |
| Answer | Dear El Haji, Wa `Alaykum As-Salamu warahmatullah, Obedience to her husband is only mandated for a woman in Islam for as long as the husband is living his life Islamically, is just and fair with his wife, and is not asking her to do un-Islamic things, or ask her to do things which she finds intolerable. In this day and age, you will not enjoy blind obedience from your wife; and besides blind obedience of the husband is not even required of a wife in Islam, as I mentioned before. So, the best things to do to get her to obey you are: 1) live your life by Islam; 2) be a good role model of Islamic life style for your family; 3) be kind and just to your family; and 4) reform them where necessary with love, kindness and patience. Hope this helps. |
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| Name |
Wah - India
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| Profession | Sales Assistant |
| Question | Who should initiate wife or Husband if there is any communication gap? |
| Answer | There are no hard and fast rules about this. It would often depend upon who is hurting the most from this communication gap. It would also depend upon leadership and assertiveness skills. |
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| Name |
Aisha -
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| Profession | |
| Question | Could you explain the role that magic and Satan may have in causing conflict between a husband and a wife? |
| Answer | Dear Sister Aisha: It is Satan's utmost mission to cause ruffles between a husband and a wife and to get them to fight with each other. Through this he ruins the whole families on both sides. Magic may and have been used to cause ruffles and fights between husband and wife. However, in most cases of marital problems I have seen, it is not magic as much as it is the husband and wife themselves, who are not willing to admit their weaknesses and roles in creating fights and problems. Hope this helps. |
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| Name |
oum o. - Belgium
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| Profession | housewife |
| Question | This is oum o. reacting on the answer of the scholar I don’t need help but the reason why I say that I am happy now is that when he says that things he says that he is saying the truth and he also says that he would do the same thing about even his own parents if he founds something bad on them he has all his life 30years now went to college to learn about Islam so he says that he knows perfectly better then anyone the Islam. If he says so am I a 21 years old women ho is born and raised in Belgium good enough to say otherwise. |
| Answer | Dear sister: Even if he claims to always speak the truth when he is bad-mouthing your parents and calling you ugly name, it is not Islamically correct for him to so. Because Islam prohibits a person to bad-mouth another person, and especially behind their backs. It is considered a major sin. It is also not proper for him to call you bad and ugly names, because Islam prohibits this as well. So, if he has truly learned a lot of Islamic education, he should know these things and stop himself from such behavior. Your being 21 only does not make it ok for him to abuse you. Take care and May Allah help you. |
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| Name |
kareem uk -
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| Profession | |
| Question | My wife is a lovely woman who has given me four children and we have been very close. Until recently when her younger sister came to leave with us she has changed and now hid everything she does from me but shearing everything with her sister. I feel neglected in the house and told her but she see nothing wrong in that. I’m too jealous please advise. |
| Answer | Dear brother Kareem, Why is your wife's younger sister living with you? Is this a long term arrangement or a short term? If it is just a short term issue, don't worry too much, the problem would eventually go away. If it is a long term arrangement, you may want to discuss with your wife your feelings of being left out and your frustrations with the secrecies, and how it is negatively affecting the relationship between the two of you. Make sure to control your emotions and to stay focused on the issue without finger-pointing, blaming, and being sarcastic. Husband and wives, by the way, become very jealous for each other's attention, and often find it difficult when the spouse shares the attention with a third person, sometimes even with children. |
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| Name |
Editor -
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| Profession | |
| Answer | Finally, we would like to thank our guest for speaking to Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. We request our readers to join us in the upcoming sessions. Yours, Islamonline Live Dialogue Editing Desk |
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| Name |
Wah - India
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| Profession | Sales Assistant |
| Question | Who should initiate wife or Husband if there is any communication gap. |
| Answer | I think I answered this question before. It would depend upon who is hurting most from the communication gap. It would also depend upon who has more effective leadership and assertiveness skills. |